Robin's Verse

I decided to write this here as opposed to flooding everyone's timeline with my favorite Robin Williams movies and thoughts. He was pure comedic genius and, like many people dealt with depression. He had many bouts with substance abuse and eventually gave into his demons. As someone who has dealt with substance abuse issues in my past, it scares me to death that that could have been me had I not chosen/been forced to choose a life of sobriety. I still have days where I'm not super nice to myself, but I have the best friends in the world who will listen to me rant incessantly over whatever minutiae I may be obsessing over at the time without getting too aggravated.

As you will hear said plenty over the next couple of days and weeks, if you or someone you know struggles with depression, seek help. There is nothing wrong with getting help! There is no shame in it! It doesn't make you broken or less than or undesirable. It just makes you human.

It doesn't shock me knowing that Robin Williams suffered from depression. All of my favorite roles of his were dramatic ones. Here's some clips:

What Dreams May Come(do yourself a favor and watch this if you haven't before):

Good Will Hunting:

Dead Poets Society:

Thanks for contributing your verse, Robin.

Until Next Time, Freebird

The problem when someone passes away too soon or suddenly is that we are left with so many questions: Why did this happen? Could anything have been done to stop it? Why him/her? The main question we are left with, though, is, "Did they know how I felt about them?"

I have found that a lot of the time, the person in question does, in fact, know how you felt about them. This isn't always the case, though, which is why I'm writing this today. All too often when something sudden and tragic happens - like a 36-year-old having a heart attack - we are left with the overwhelming guilt that we could have done more to appreciate them when they were here with us. Facebook posts will fly up left and right about hugging your loved ones and telling those close to you how you feel daily, and those things will become routine for a short period. Eventually, though, even our best intentions have a way of taking a back seat to life. 

I know these things all too well because I am as guilty of them as the next person. I have lost quite a few people over the last decade and each time I have been stuck asking all the questions mentioned above. The difference is, though, that I have an answer to the last one more often than not. I try my best to let those around me know my feelings towards them when I get the chance and that's the best I can do. There are obviously situations where that isn't the case, but it is for the most part. 

It wasn't yesterday, though. I lost a friend with whom I hadn't really been in touch with in 17 years. Jayson Freeman was a man of high quality when we were in high school, a guy I got to know while playing baseball in school. He was funny and kind and although he had things he struggled with, he never seemed to let it out on anyone else. I remember him being extremely genuine and just an all-around wonderful person. Freebird and I lost touch after high school, which was easy to do in the pre-Facebook days as some of you remember, but I have no reason to believe that any of the things I have said about him changed over time. Being funny and nice was his personality, who he was, not just an act. When I got the news last night of his passing, I was sad. Sad for his family and that group of friends that knew him the best. Sad for those people who never got the chance to speak with him or laugh with him. Sad for myself for not trying harder to reconnect with him as we got older and as the opportunities to keep in touch became easier. I didn't take the time to learn about his life as an adult and find out the things he had been doing. I didn't get to tell him the nice things I thought about him(or even how ridiculous he looked in his little purple truck) because as a high schooler, most of us weren't equipped or encouraged to do so. My thoughts and prayers are with his family and those friends who knew him the best as they are waking up today with a massive hole in their lives wondering what to do next.

I'll be guilty of saying these two things that always seem to be said: hug your loved ones and those close to you and live every day to it's fullest because you just never know. Cliche or not, it's the truth. Let's try this, though: Let's do whatever we can to make these lasting habits, long term things. That way, when our time comes - and it's coming for us all - we don't leave a load of people wondering if we knew. 

I want to challenge you all to go make a difference in someone's life today. Reach out to an old friend. Do something nice for your cousin. Do something nice for yourself. Just do something that will make a positive impact on the day of someone you care about and when you wake up tomorrow, do it again. I love you guys and thanks for reading. 

By the time I'm 40...

The title says it all. By the time I'm 40, I want to...damn, that's only five years away. I had another birthday last week that put me one step closer to 40. I remember going to my Grandma Spoon's house as an 8 year old to celebrate my mom's "Over the Hill" birthday and it seems so long ago. My mom wasn't old then, so why was she over the hill? Hell, she's barely old now.

How can I be only five years from 40? I look in the mirror and still see the teenager who jumps off the roof of his parents house to go sneak some beers with his friends. I see myself holding my baby nephew for the first time and being worried that I would break him and now he's a 5'7" 13 year old who will be learning to drive before I can argue about it. How can 40 be this close and this far away? Aren't people supposed to have their lives figured out by this stage?

Had I written this when I first graduated from college, I would have had 17 and a half years to fill in the ellipses behind the number 40 in the title. Had I done so the day Randy passed away, I would have had almost 13 years for that same space. Had I written those words on July 4, 2010, I would have had almost 9 years to figure it out, but instead I'm writing them today, a mere 1,820 days away from my 40th birthday.

So, here's my birthday resolution for my 35th birthday and some of the goals I plan to accomplish before my 40th birthday:

• I plan to not only earn a Masters degree in Sports Management but also a doctorate. That's right, only 40th birthday, we can all celebrate Dr. Farr.
• With that doctorate, I plan to be a professor. Preferably at the University of Texas, but I understand that there are other schools that need teachers.
• I will run at least one full marathon a year between now and then in hopes of getting faster and...
• Qualifying to run in the Boston Marathon April 15, 2019, 3 weeks before my 40th birthday.
• If I cannot meet the qualifying time requirement of 3 hours and 10 minutes, I will plan to raise enough sponsorship money to run in the race, but that is only as a last ditch effort. Qualifying is going to be my first goal.
• I will also learn a new language
• Master calligraphy
• Visit Scotland, Ireland and England

This list will inherently grow as I continue to evolve and as much as I regret not setting goals for myself earlier in life, I am glad I now have the clarity of mind to be able to see and enjoy the future that lies ahead of me.

Time to get to work, I suppose, because that clock keeps ticking regardless if we want it to or not.

The Curious Case of Mixed Emotions

I woke up this morning, like everyone else reading this I'm sure, to the news of the incident that occurred last night during SXSW and like everyone, I immediately felt sorry for those involved. The two people that were killed on the scene, the people injured, and the driver of the car. The lives of these people and their families will never ever be the same based on one major decision.

A lot of times, when there's an accident which claims the like of someone and not of someone else, there is a phenomenon, for lack of better words, that occurs called survivors guilt. The more I tried to empathize with those involved last night, the more I wondered what must be happening for them and their families, the more I started empathizing with the driver of that car.

I am not here to condone his actions, that's not the point of why I'm writing. I am writing today out of my survivors guilt from all of those times I jumped carelessly behind the wheel of a car and drove home after "a few drinks", even the three times I ended up behind bars for my actions. I am writing as a free man when just a few wrong turns later and I could be facing multiple capital murder charges.

I am lucky...and I know it and will admit it freely. I am lucky in the regards that all of those times that I was careless with my life and those of the people - many times friends - around me, that I never hurt anyone physically. I was reckless and careless and I feel that I owe everyone an apology again.

I wanted to originally write something about the dangers of drinking and driving, but then I didn't want to feel like a hypocrite. Long and short is, I was lucky. I. Was. Lucky. With drinking and driving there are no winners, only survivors.

I get asked all of the time whether or not I'll drink again and the tough of doing so honestly makes me ill sometimes. This morning was one of those times and I didn't even need the question to be asked of me.

So here's my pledge to anyone reading this: Save this phone number in your phone- (972)415-5984 - That's my cell phone number. Before you think about driving anywhere, give me a call and I'll pick you up. You can buy me a taco or coffee or something, I don't care. Just don't drive after drinking, it's not worth it, and it really doesn't take much to ruin a lot of lives when you combine the two.

I love you all and am always thankful for the support given me by everyone. Thanks for reading and have a wonderful day.

The Decision 2.0

So, a little over three years ago, LeBron James caused quite an uproar when he decided to switch teams. It wasn't because he switched teams. That was his right in a fair market economy to promote and essentially sell his services where he deemed he would be most successful. As most know, he left his hometown Cleveland Cavaliers behind to pursue an opportunity with the Miami Heat. What he did draw ire for publicly, though, was the way he decided to go about making this move. He staged a town hall type meeting, aired by ESPN and decided, famously, to "take his talents to South Beach." This poorly thought up event was called "The Decision." It has been panned almost religiously across the board for the bad taste at which the transition was handled, with some likening it to the quarterback of the high school team dumping his girlfriend at a pep rally to start dating a prettier girl.

I tell you that story for this purpose: When it came time to pick a new professional football team to root for, I wanted to do something on as grand of a scale. Unfortunately I don't have the money or notoriety to pull of a nationally televised town hall event, but the guy at Lids got a kick out of me.

A little back story as to why this decision even came into play: You see, I grew up in Dallas. A fan of all things and sports DFW related; Mavericks, Sidekicks, Rangers(most importantly), Stars after they came to town, and, of course, the Cowboys. Not only were they America's Team, but they were my hometown team. Mom had friends who were married to coaches and worked for the team so every Christmas and birthday was filled with autographed footballs from Danny White and even the whole team in some regards, pictures signed from Roger Staubach and Drew Pearson, calendars, game worn autographed shoes with blood on them from Randy White and so much other stuff that I could write a whole blog about just that. They weren't great in the 80s, but they were still iconic. They still are, by the way, just not for the reasons many of us would hope.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and rail on Jerry Jones incessantly. We all have faults and sometimes our situations amplify those faults. Under Jones, the Cowboys have won three Super Bowls but they have also suffered some of the most lousy, hair pulling, scream-at-the-tv moments I can remember. Their record over the past 17 seasons is exactly .500, meaning they have won as many games as they have lost. For the optimists in the crowd, at least we don't have a losing record! For the pessimists, the exact opposite. In fact, the ability to hang onto that level of mediocrity in a sport and league designed help every team eventually have their moment in the sun is staggering in-and-of-itself. The problem with being exactly .500 for that long is that it requires shrewd moves and great scouting to get better and get over the hump. If you stay at .500, you're stuck picking in the middle of the pack and choosing from talent that, for all intents and purposes, is very similar. At picks 15-17 in a draft of 32 teams, there isn't a lot of extreme stand out talent that's can't-miss. There are great players and the well run organizations suss these players out through scouting and interviews and player personnel teams identifying and attacking a need of their team.

All of the successful franchises over the past 15-20 years have done it. Actually, all successful teams ever, including the Jones owned, Jimmy Johnson-led and put together, Cowboys teams of the early 90s have done it. The problem with these current Cowboys is that Jerry Jones' ego is steering this bus. He wants so badly to win another championship and do it his way that he can't see just how dysfunctional it has gotten. He wants sole credit for being the mastermind because Jimmy gets credit for putting the Super Bowl teams together so he wants to win one himself with no help so that he can tell the world "I told you so." I'm sorry, but that's no way to run any business, especially one I personally invest time and money in. If Apple starts making substandard products and charging more for them, I will stop buying iPhones and switch to Android so I don't see why I can't do that with my football team. I watch every week and am frustrated every week. I watch the draft and see some asinine personnel move that leaves everyone questioning what just happened almost ever single year. I hear my owner say things like, "As long as I own the team, I will be the GM" and "we will always be in salary cap hell" and my personal favorite, "I've been doing some of my best work in my career over these past few years" and I'm supposed to be okay with it?

Call me a traitor. Call me a bandwagon fan. I don't care. Life is too short to cheer for a team with piss poor management that can't get out of it's own way. As long as someone with the last name of Jones is in the personnel selection spot, I can't waste any more of my time, money or effort. It's just going to perpetuate the problem the more people keep showing up and supporting the mediocrity.

Here's a hypothetical: The Seattle Seahawks just won the Super Bowl as some may remember. In 2009, they were 5-11 and pretty much a joke in what was then a weak division. They fired then-coach Jim Mora Jr. and brought on Pete Carroll from USC. They also brought in new GM John Schneider. In the 4 seasons since, they have gone 7-9, 7-9(playoff win), 11-5(playoff win) and 13-3(Super Bowl win). They have turned over the entire roster in 4 years as well. not one player from the '09 team is still around. The hypothetical is this: If John Schneider was a DFW native and his dream job was to be the GM of the Cowboys after the run he's had in Seattle, and he came to Jerry's office and asked to take over the reigns, would Jerry let him? I'm pretty sure we all know the answer is no, and that's a problem.

The Seahawks aren't the only team building success this way, either. Check out the Ravens, Giants, 49ers, Patriots, Packers, Steelers, Broncos. Then look at the messes in football, Raiders, Browns, Cowboys, Lions, Jags. The problem with this second group is that they have no clear delineation of power or direction and they continue to make the same choices. We all know the definition of insanity so I won't quote it, but it applies to all of that second group of teams mentioned.

So, that's why I had to change. That's why I had to get out of Dodge. I couldn't handle the insane feelings of watching this thing blow up in my face every week but still fighting to defend this bunch over and over and over.

So here's how I made my choice: I have quite a few friends in town with different rooting interests. I was originally going to go full-on blind draw and hope that I would have a friend to watch games with, but the chances of that were slim. So I went to the hat store and started grabbing hats of teams that I know have people who root for them in town that I know(that sentence seems like a bit of a struggle in my brain, but I couldn't figure out how to fix it). Anyway, some teams were ruled out due to lack of hat in my size at the store - Sorry Chargers, Vikings, Chiefs, Broncos, Seahawks, and Saints. Eventually I landed on these four teams:

I had to get creative with the blind draw portion of this because due to Austin's bag ban, stores like this don't have bags anymore, so I talked the guy into letting me use a trash bag. Dumped all four hats into the bag and asked the guy to hold it. I turned my head and started fumbling around in the bag and one of the hats literally fell out. I initially thought about putting it back in but then thought, "Wait, this hat wanted me so badly it jumped out of the bag." Pulled the credit card out and bought it on site:

I reached out to my super Steeler fan Jesse and told him I was on his team now and that I needed to buy him lunch in return for knowledge on my new team. So far he's been helpful. We are on the Stairway to Seven. Our colors are Black and Gold, NOT black and yellow. The colors in our logo are: Red- Iron Ore, Yellow- Coal, Blue- Scrap Steel. We have the 15th pick in this year's draft and are currently projected to take CB Darqueze Dennard out of Michigan State and I've already been invited to the annual trip to a home game. Obviously I don't know if a plan that can happen for me with all the works and school, but it's nice to have that option.

I will always have the Cowboys in my heart, but I am tired of losing that battle every year. No more Jones=you get Farr back. I don't see that happening anytime soon, though. Have fun on that roller coaster everyone. Thanks for joining me on this journey.

Moments

Life is full of moments. I understand that's not the most bold statement ever made by, well, anyone, but it's true. There are the good moments where you feel like you're on top of the world and you skip freely down the road, singing whatever song makes your heart the happiest. There are also the opposite moments, where life doesn't seem to stop piling on. Where one swing and a miss turns into 4 outs on 8 pitches seen with two strikeouts a la Josh Hamilton in the 2012 Wild Card game against the Orioles.

A lot of times, though, we occupy that middle ground between the two. We may stub our toe getting out of bed, but then our boss calls to say the office is closed for the morning due to an unexpected power outage. You may forget to study for a test and cram all day to find out upon test time that it's open notes and your stress and worry really didn't matter. Life is all about these moments and how we deal with them, and more importantly it's about whether we allow that one swing and miss affect how we play the rest of the game. 

I had a bit of a temper as a child and couldn't reign my emotions in a lot of the time, believe it or not. I cried and whined and lost my cool and didn't know how to properly deal with these things as they came my way with a clear, level head. I'm not saying there are loads of kids who do, mind you, I was just a basket case at times. But then along came my dad. 

For those that know him, Roger Farr is a good man. He cares a lot about a lot of people and for a lot of my friends, both older and younger than I, he was the cool, funny dad. He listened to countless kids at church and at our various school events that would come jibber-jabber his ear off about what was good in their life. Mom got them in school, Dad got them when they were away from school. 

I know this is one of the biggest cliches of them all, but it took me until well into my 30s to realize what a great man my father is. I always knew him as someone unafraid to show Randall or I tough love when we needed it, which was more often than not. I remembered, falsely, all of the times I felt that he was unfair or that his judgement was mean or evil against my favor. But when I look back on these moments, he was teaching me how to control myself, how to act, and how to get back up when life knocked me down. 

Can't hit a curveball to save my life and strike out with the bases loaded to end an inning? Dad tells me to chin up because you can't pitch with tears in your eyes. Same with shooting free throws. Same with a lot of life, actually. He's always been there for me, and the older I get, the more I realize I'm not the only person who relies on him in this way. Also the older I get, the more I realize how much of what he used to tell me when it came to sports, my favorite being, "The other teams kids moms and dads want to see them win just as badly as we want you to and they bought them gloves and bats just the same as we bought you." That was his was of saying you win some and you lose some and that it's really just a game so give it your best shot, and if you don't get a hit, it's not that you did wrong.

Once again, I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I will say this in closing. Life sometimes knocks you down and like a bully, doesn't let you get back up. My dad has gotten smacked pretty good by life recently, and he probably doesn't want me sharing this, but if you see him, give him a hug. I know he could use it. 

And Dad, hopefully Mom makes you read this, and if she does, let me say this: You are the smartest, hardest working man that I'll ever know and if I grow up to be half as wise, caring, strong and amazing as you, I know I'll be just fine. Thank you for always guiding me and never letting me give up on myself and for also never giving up on me, because I know that I gave you chances to. Thank you for always leading by example and showing me, Randy, Tony and now Reid that being a real man isn't always what the stereotypes say they are, but that being humble, and caring with the ability to be hilarious and roll with the punches regardless of the situation counts too. Thank you for never settling, always setting the example, and being a true display of fatherly love. I'll never be able to repay you for the life lessons that you have given me, but I wanted you to know that they reached their mark. Sorry it took me so long to realize what you were aiming for.

2014 ramblings

A friend of mine asked me today what I was going to write tonight and I guess I hadn't shared with her that I was a part-time blogger when I have the time and I told her that I try to write about what's on my mind but it had been a month or so. Well, I apologize that it's been close to three. That's unacceptable and it won't happen again.

So, since I last wrote, there have been major changes all over the landscape of my life and that's what this edition will be about; catching up with the past 3 months, and what is going to happen moving forward. The new year is a good time to clean up some things and start fresh, right?

So, as far as 2013 is concerned: I finished my semester with 2 A's in 2 classes; learned more about the presidents and their fitness levels than I probably ever thought I would; decided to push off entrance into grad school until Fall '14 so I can knock out the remaining prerequisites and take the GRE again - not that I bombed the first attempt, I just know I can do better with any semblance of preparation; ran a half marathon in a personal best time; decided to focus on training for more runs; and have made some decisions regarding my sports loyalties. Added to that mix are, what I feel to be, the needed change that occurred at the head coaching position at UT and the Cowboys once again letting me down. 

Now onto bigger and (hopefully) brighter things in 2014. I'm not going to sit here and make some sweeping declaration that 2014 is going to be the best year yet, but I think it has some real potential.  

My first main decision of change in 2014 begins with something that happened in late 2013. The Dallas Cowboys, my favorite football team since birth, was puttering along with another lackluster year headed again for the all-to-familiar finality of finishing another season with eight wins and eight losses. They had snatched defeat from the jaws of victory on more than one occasion this season and I was starting to run out of excuses for how these things could continue to happen. I was also starting to get tired of rooting for a franchise with such poor upper management that I finally reached my breaking point. I love the Dallas Cowboys, I truly do, but from this point forward until Jerry Jones is no longer in charge of personnel decisions, I renounce them as my NFL team of choice after 30+ years and am a free agent. I will, at some point between now and the draft in May, have a new team draw in which I will draw my new team from a hat, or something else random. I do not want to jump on the bandwagon of some team left in the playoffs to be 'that guy' so I am going to leave it up to fate. I'm just too tired of feeling like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football while Jerry plays Lucy and yanks it from me each time. Life is too short to continue to make the same mistakes over and over again and Jerry's pompous attitude and selfish nature have finally pushed me overboard. I know this isn't some life-or-death moment, but it will be a part of my 2014 and is one that I am looking forward to!

Secondarily, I have decided to run again in 2014...a lot!! My plan currently is to run ten half marathons and maybe one full. You read that right...TEN. Most of these will take place in Texas and there are a lot of them around and I feel like pushing myself. The first of these races takes place in eleven days and I couldn't be more excited with the second just a few weeks after. Both of those are here in Austin as well so it won't require any travel. For those of you who have been reading along with me over the years, you know that I started writing when I started running so I am expecting this increased attention to long distances to really fuel my writing spirit. I will be chronicling these runs and keeping you all up to date on these events, as they will help me navigate the year with a clear head. This is more for a later blog, but after having trained in the past alone, I have started training with a group and I will tell you all right here and now without ruining the future writings that I enjoy it even more now for so many reasons.

This year will also lend itself to more knowledge growth than has been present of late as I plan to focus and dedicate myself more to reading and less to tv and movie watching. I realized over the summer and past semester that I really enjoyed reading as I was required to do a lot of it for my coursework, but found that I was lacking the ability to read what I wanted to, but that's about to change. I asked Santa for a load of books for Christmas and, well, I guess I had been a good boy because he came through in a major way. Most of these books are the stories of our sporting past, all non-fiction and based, in some regards, around my studies. I have found that I love learning these old stories of the foundations of our nations love affair with sports and sporting culture, and since it's my passion and what I am going to study for the foreseeable future, I might as well immerse myself in it. 

Long and short, and seemingly what this whole edition has come down to, is that I'm tired of settling for the mediocre and middle ground and 2014 will be my first year in attempting to go all out for everything I want, all the time. Yeah, I may fail. Failure happens. Nobody succeeds the first time, every time. But, if you've been given a gift or an ability to do something, it's time to stop wasting it. They say you can't take it with you, but they are wrong. You CAN, depending on what you want to take. The money and accolades and all of that will be left here, for sure, but the way you feel at the end because of the amount of effort you put in will always be with you and who wants to lie there when their time is up and beat themselves up over what they SHOULD have said or COULD have done. Not this guy. Not good enough. Not anymore.

Full disclaimer: I never know where these things are going to end up when I start writing. I rarely know what direction they will take, or what my overall message is. I appreciate you guys wading through with me and hopefully I will get better and grow as you all grow with me. Suggestions are always accepted. Help me get better.

Last thought, these two songs may be the same song with the same point and damn near the same tune(especially the start), but they both rule. See you soon!